It's been a rough day...rough week...rough month. I feel as if I have no purpose in life except to be a maid, personal chef, sex toy, punching bag, referee, chauffeur, etc. I know I should just be enjoying being a mom and a wife, but to be honest right now I'm not. I feel useless, pointless, directionless, and empty. I feel as if my life has no meaning, I have nothing to work towards that I can take full control over. Sure I could make a goal to do preschool with my kids every day or teach them certain things by a certain time, but they all have different needs and different personalities and different progression rates and I don't know want to become one of those pushy, overbearing moms who project all of her problems and insecurities on her kids.
I feel like a I'm failing at being a woman, I'm not enjoying being a mom and I'm not enjoying the motherly things that I should. Sure I feel proud when my kids accomplish something, but I'm not loving the day-to-day stuff. I'm an awful mom, I should be relishing the younger years but instead I'm despising them. I'm wishing I had a job so I could go out and accomplish something in the world. There are things I would like to work towards, but those things require money, time, and resources that I just don't have and I'm starting to resent the things/people that are holding me back. When in reality I should just be grateful for what and who I have. Things could be worse, a LOT worse.
I feel like I'm failing as a wife. I hate trying to keep the house clean and the laundry done and things in order. It doesn't help when it seems like no one else really cares to put an effort into keeping things clean and orderly. I organize a drawer or cupboard and the next day it's as if a tornado went through it. I don't feel attractive and therefore don't enjoy having sex. I don't want sex, it has no appeal to me right now, but yet I HAVE to do it otherwise I'm not being true to my husband and taking care of his wants, needs, desires, whatever, and that's all that ever matters apparently. I don't find joy in much of anything any more. I just feel numb most of the time, and when I'm not that I'm usually angry, resentful, lost, depressed, etc.
I want to be happy, I want to have purpose, I want to have goals to work towards, I want to feel joy every day, even if it's only for a few precious moments. But there always seems to be something there to pull me down. I feel tired, exhausted, and weak and don't seem to have the energy or strength to do much of anything. So I do what my husband, kids, and family expect of me and just crash and burn after because I have no gumption left to do anything for myself.
Here's the biggest problem, anytime I do try to do something for myself all I end up doing is feeling guilty, like I should be using that time and energy to be doing something for my kids, husband, or house. I feel selfish and self-serving which only makes me feel even more down and depressed. So it's all just one vicious, horrific cycle of torment and negativity.
I guess I'm just not cut out for it. Not cut out to be a mom. Not cut out to be a wife. Not cut out to be a woman. Not cut out to be much more than numb, lost, do-what-I-must-then-survive-the-rest object, thing, being.
I have failed. I have failed my husband. I have failed my kids. I have failed my parents and siblings. I have failed my church leaders. I have failed myself. Most and worst of all, I have failed my Heavenly Father. I feel like I'm already in hell because I feel like that big of a failure and disappointment.
What can be done? What can I do? How do I stop feeling this way?
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